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Your daughter’s boyfriend or your son’s girlfriend would like to stay with you for the first time? It is now important that you are open about sexuality and contraception at home. Because then teenagers experience their first time more often as something beautiful, as a recent study shows. Since 1980, the Federal Centre for Health Education has regularly surveyed young people between 14 and 17 years of age and one parent each on the subject of sexuality and contraception. In the most recent “Youth Sexuality” survey in 2006, 2,500 teenagers and their parents took part. We have summarized the most interesting results for you.

Girls are earlier in having sex and watching VR porn

Just under 40 percent of girls and a third of boys between the ages of 14 and 17 have already slept with someone at some point. Among 14-year-olds it is still about one in ten, among 17-year-olds as many as 73 percent of girls and 66 percent of boys. In all age groups, girls have more sexual experience than boys. Viewed over a longer period, teenagers experience their first time today earlier than in the early 1980s. In contrast, a quarter of girls and a third of boys have not yet had sexual intercourse at the age of 17.

Planned or coincidence?

29 percent of girls and 25 percent of boys had precisely planned their first time, 47 percent of girls and 38 percent of boys had no concrete plan, but had expected it, and 37 percent of boys and almost a quarter of girls were completely taken by surprise. For both sexes, the younger, the more spontaneous the first time. If parents do not deal openly with the subject, the number of those who experience their first sex completely unplanned increases, especially among girls. The relationship with the first sexual partner is also decisive: teenagers in a committed relationship are much less likely to be surprised by the first time than teenagers who hardly or never knew their first sexual partner before – almost three quarters of these cases were unplanned.

58 percent of the girls and 68 percent of the boys find the time of their first sexual intercourse just right, a third of the girls and a fifth of the boys would have waited a little longer in retrospect.

For the most part, teenagers experience for the first time with their steady partner – 64 percent of girls and 51 percent of boys – or at least know their sexual partner well. This is even more important for girls than for boys. Both sexes choose their partner all the more carefully the older they are when they have their first sexual intercourse. The relationship with the parents also plays an important role here: the better the basis of trust, the more likely the first sexual partner is a steady partner.

Most young people behave responsibly from the very first time. 71 percent of girls and 66 percent of boys use condoms, with the pill in second place (35 percent) or in addition. Since the 1980s, adolescents have been using increasingly reliable contraception: back then, 20 percent of girls and 29 percent of boys failed to protect themselves from pregnancy the first time.

Today it is “only” 15 percent of boys and nine percent of girls. How parents deal with sexuality has a great influence on whether teenagers play it safe the first time. If they don’t talk about sex at home, the proportion of teenagers who don’t use contraception or use it unsafe is more than twice as high. This shows how important it is to address the issues at home.

Another decisive factor here is how well the teenagers know each other. If teenagers are hardly or not at all familiar with their first sexual partner, they do not use contraception in a quarter of the cases. Another reason is that more and more teenagers are “surprised” by their first sex and are therefore not prepared. Unfortunately, half of the boys and 36 percent of the girls who did not use contraception also assumed that “nothing will happen”. And 18 percent of girls who do not feel comfortable in their bodies do not use contraception – compared to only two percent of girls who fully accept their bodies.

Most young people experience their first time as something beautiful

Most teenagers experience their first time as “something beautiful”: 61 percent of girls and 73 percent of boys. However, 22 percent of girls experience it as “something unpleasant”, whereas this is rarely the case with boys. The better girls know their sexual partner, the more likely they are to have a good memory of their first sexual intercourse; this connection is less strong in boys. And the older girls are at the first time, the more often they take it as positive – which may be related to the fact that the older they are, the more consciously they choose their partner.

On the other hand, the worse the relationship with their own body, the less often they find the first sexual act beautiful. The parents’ attitude towards sexuality also plays a role in their perception: if they openly address this topic at home, young people more often experience it as something beautiful for the first time. A confidant for sexual questions also has a positive effect, especially if it is the parents.

Important confidants

Just under two thirds of all girls and one third of the boys tell their mother about their first time, while girls are generally more open about the subject. The older they are, the more likely teenagers are to inform their parents. In most cases, however, the daughters and sons do not tell their parents about their exciting experience shortly before or after, but only later – especially boys. By contrast, 34 percent of girls and 63 percent of boys do not confide their first sexual intercourse to their mother. The most important thing here is that parents address the subject openly and do not have a negative attitude towards their child’s sex. This increases the probability that parents will be informed by their child. However, teenagers rarely keep this important event to themselves – they usually tell their best friend.

Girls have sex earlier and more often

Every second boy and more than every second girl has sex for the second time within the next few days, and in about a quarter of the young people it takes several weeks. That’s how fast it goes for most teenagers who have had their first sex with their steady partner. And the older they are, the sooner they continue – which could be because the fun of first sex increases with age. Girls are also not only ahead of boys in terms of time the first time, but also have more frequent intercourse. And teenagers in a committed relationship have sex more often on average.

Since 1980, fewer and fewer of the girls surveyed have had only one sexual partner. In contrast, the number of boys who have had only one partner has increased. The sexes are thus converging in the number of sexual partners, but on average the boys still have more frequently changing partnerships. Interestingly, there is no correlation between age and the number of sexual partners, neither for girls nor for boys. However, with greater sexual experience, the number of different partners also increases. And those teenagers who were less familiar with their first sexual partner have already had significantly more partner changes.

How teens deal with VR porn

We found that young people – in contrast to what is usually seen by the public or science – are not passive users who are exposed to pornography or even flooded by it. Rather, young people are active media users who are looking for pornography that interests them. That has a meaning for them that excites them when they want to masturbate to it.

Urszula is a psychologist at the Institute for Sexual Research and Forensic Psychiatry. She participated in an interview study with young people, which was conducted from 2009 to 2011 by the Institute for Sexual Research and Forensic Psychiatry at the University Medical Center Hamburg Eppendorf. In this study, 160 young people between the ages of 16 and 19 were interviewed about their experiences with love, partner relationships, sexuality and the Internet.

VR Pornography is used depending on the situation

Differentiation was also evident in the use of pornography. Depending on the setting in which pornography is used, different content is preferred. If, for example, pornography is used alone, then it is about arousal. Thus, content is selected that is supposed to be “effective”. Platt says: What is chosen is what turns people on.

But when pornography is used with others of the same age, then it is more about exploring boundaries and assuring one’s own normality. According to the motto: My buddies don’t find it exciting, I find it repulsive – so I’m normal. Keyword “repulsive” – Did you also examine the contact of young people with violent pornography in your study?

Yes. Mainly young men have reported about it. Terrible videos and pictures are often passed around on smartphones in the schoolyard. But even here pornography is functionalized differently. You can describe it as a kind of modern test of courage. We have observed that violent pornography is generally not used for masturbation.

I think it is very important to consider that even if you don’t search for it, you can still find this content on the Internet. Therefore, I think it is very important to provide comprehensive sexual education and media competence. Just as important and even necessary are familiar contact persons who can help to deal with this stressful or experienced and who can help to protect oneself better in the future.

Sexual neglect, fear of failure, pressure to perform, a false image of women or men through the consumption of porn. The list of concerns about the negative effects of porn consumption is long. What is their attitude towards it? Is it all just dramatization?

There are studies on both the negative and positive effects of porn consumption. Whereby it has to be said here: there is more research on the negative effects of pornography This has to do with the fact that the public is more interested and therefore more research funds are available. The results of these studies are very contradictory.

As far as impact is concerned, there is only one area where the study situation is unanimous. And that is aggression. A connection was found between the use of violent pornography and sexual aggression. A connection, mind you. In other words, we don’t know: is it the already aggressive people who watch violent pornography or is it the violent pornography that increases the readiness for aggression?

The Internet and VR pornography will continue to develop

Amateur pornography, for example, is an area that is currently growing rapidly and where we are no longer talking about media users, but about designers. That means people – especially young people – who produce pornography themselves. Then there are technical developments, such as virtual reality productions. There are now sites where you can watch virtual reality pornography for free. The development is so rapid that research is lagging behind.

Nevertheless I am not pessimistic about the future. I see this more as sexual options on the internet that can be used, but don’t have to be. This is exactly what we found out in our study: Not everyone is interested in sexual content on the Internet. And perhaps that is a good thing. Maybe I trust the youth more than the public does.

Attraction and risk: Why men prefer young women

A large age difference in a relationship is hot topic of conversation and rarely accepted. What does the old man want from the young woman – and she from him? What problems does such a relationship bring with it? And why do we get so upset about it? We have spoken with couple psychologists about intergenerational love.

Hollywood stars, politicians, musicians and top managers are living it: They often have relationships with much younger partners. US President Donald Trump (72) and his third wife “First Lady” Melania (48) have been separated for 24 years, French President Emmanuel Macron and his wife Brigitte Macron for 25 years.

Celebrity couples with large age difference

Peter Maffay (68) is “one hundred percent” sure of his relationship with Hendrikje (30). “There is no mistake”, said the German singer in an interview. Tesla boss Elon Musk (46) and the musician Grimes (30) are also a couple – what does 16 years make a difference?

These famous women love young men

In the relationship between model Heidi Klum and the guitarist of Tokio Hotel there is a considerable age difference of 15 years. Fashion designer Vivienne Westwood is 25 years older than her husband Andreas Kronthaler. Rock tube Tina Turner, 78, and her husband Erwin Bach, 62, are 16 years apart. Particularly surprising: they have been involved for 32 years.

So unequal mating is not immediately doomed to failure. We try to get to the bottom of the question of how this happens, what problems arise and whether there are gender differences.

Is the cliché that older men prefer younger women correct?

“It is true that older men often look for a younger woman. But you can’t speak of a general trend,” says psychologist Michael Schmitz. While many older men are satisfied in their relationships with women of the same age, there are simply many men who are looking for new self-affirmation. In addition, there is a new basic attitude of people, as psychologist Robert explains: “The rules and morals of the past are no longer so important, they are replaced by an ‘anything is possible’ attitude.

Why do old men want young women?

It’s not just the erotic charisma that attracts older men. They also like the role of the protector and the illusion of being young again. “A young woman is often the answer in the search for lost youth,” says the psychologist. The mixture of physical freshness and light-heartedness is an appealing mix – especially for men in midlife crisis.

Youth for security

Thoughts like “I’m still attractive.” “I’m not as old as I seem” would be on men’s subconscious mind. The good news is that for a partnership at eye level, men prefer women of the same age. The fact is that every relationship built on a hierarchical difference has an inherent problem.

What attracts young women to mature men

“No romances without finances,” as artist Johanna Braun put it aptly. Usually the wallet is the most attractive thing an older man has to offer young women. This is generally known. Apart from the financial possibilities, young women are also fascinated by being with a man who shows them the world, who guides them and whom they can admire (father figure).

“No romances without finances”

His life experience, his personality traits, his influence and his self-confidence have an attractive effect. However, this state usually does not last long. “From my therapeutic situations I know that the needs of the mature man always have priority. This leads to conflicts. As soon as the young woman matures and becomes more independent, it no longer suits her”, explains psychologist Michael.

When does the age difference become critical?

From an age difference of 15 years, a relationship is put to the test. The tolerance of women is significantly lower. If the partner is more than 5 years younger than the woman, the relationship would no longer be considered “normal”.

What problems arise?

The potential for conflict in intergenerational relationships is great. The environment plays a decisive role. For example, a man’s children are as old as his partner. This constellation is irritating. Joint visits to the family become less frequent. The consequence: isolation. It also turns out to be difficult to leave together with the partner: she wants to go to the disco, he does not feel comfortable there.

Different phases of life

The issue of children for women under 40 can also lead to discrepancies. If the man is in his mid-sixties, a new phase of life begins with the pension. However, the partner is still in full-time employment. Joint plans are difficult to realize. Even later, the man is not as agile and needs care – not an easy situation for a much younger woman.

Do men find it easier to find a young woman than vice versa?

“Yes, that’s true,” says the 63-year-old psychologist Robert. What is the reason for this? “A young man does not gain reputation when he is with an older woman. Incidentally, the phenomenon of the large age difference can also be strongly observed in same-sex love. “Gay men in partnerships often have a large age difference, and here the father issue plays a decisive role,” he says.

Why is a big age difference in relationships still so upsetting?

It is about morals and rules that these couples ignore. Mature women are angry because a potential partner is off the market again. But the envy theme is just as present in men. Outwardly they would pat each other on the back, but secretly they would envy their buddy for his conquest – his “Trophy Wife”.

Can one become happy despite the age difference?

Yes, but it takes a lot of relationship work and tolerance. Because the different phases of life in which the two partners find themselves are an ideal breeding ground for conflict.

Mutual respect and the acceptance that the other person is at a completely different level of development than yourself are absolutely necessary. Both partners must allow each other to live out different interests separately. Here it is important to develop a lot of understanding and tolerance for each other and for the needs of the partner.

What else must men and women learn?

“I believe men and women can discover a lot of depth in their partnership if they meet and love each other at a similar age”, says the psychologist. Older women should not go to any lengths to imitate young women. Instead of denying yourself, you should radiate maturity and accept yourself as you are. “Many women over 60 have a very sensual aura”. Men must first learn to appreciate this quality of mature love.